Shannon Fitts

There is no need for you to virtually stalk me on Facebook. I will tell you what you need to know. Please don’t ask my friends to be your friend either. Trust me. It is better for you to remember all of us as our younger selves than to discover who we have become. To save you the torment of wondering what is lurking behind our security settings, here are the answers to what I am sure will be your most pressing questions:

I went to Kristy’s wedding. No, not to the guy she dated in high school. To Brenda. Yes, she married a woman. No, I am not a lesbian just because I have friends who are lesbians. Yes, we shared a bed during sleepovers when we were kids. No, she has never hit on me. No, I am not offended that she has never hit on me. No, I do not share your opinion on gay marriage.

Yes, you did see Ben, my boyfriend from freshman year of college, on my friend list. Yes, I know you hated him, but I didn’t and don’t. No, this is not a threat to my marriage. This is not unrequited love. This is a way for him to pimp his business to more people and I have no objection to him being successful. No, he is not a pimp – it is an expression. No, Brad doesn’t care that we are friends. He is friends with ex-girlfriends too. No, I don’t care.

Cynthia, Jacob, Harry, Veronica and others whose names you will recognise have recently found Him. They spread His word and count their blessings multiple times a day. Apparently He is also on Facebook because He talks to them often via His ‘God Wants You to Know’ application. Yes, they have tried to get me to share their organised religious beliefs. Yes, they believe I am going to hell because I haven’t gone with them to their house of worship. No, this does not upset me.

My friends’ kids are the cutest, funniest, smartest, and fastest in the world. They also cause my friends to drink heavily and post random things on my Wall. No, I don’t want to explain what they wrote. No, this does not make me want kids.

Yes, my friends have jobs and families, so no, I don’t know why they spend their limited free time ploughing an imaginary farm or pretending to kill people with their mafia.

No, I did not let the machine pick up when you called right after I posted a status update that you apparently needed to speak with me about immediately. I was not at home when you called. I posted that from my iPhone. Yes, I love my iPhone. No, I don’t think you should get one.